Ahhh

I’m almost off work and I have a bunch still to do, but I wanted to update this really quick while in the mood.

First of all, I can’t believe that’s it’s almost Christmas and the year is almost over. I only hope that 2012 will bring better things. First off, let’s not start off the New Year like last year! That was an epic fail that never needs to be repeated.

Second of all, This semester is finally over. So far I have had my two psychology grades posted and I got a B- in both classes, which is much better than I expected, so I’m happy with the grades.

Third of all, I hope to never, ever be in another car accident EVER again. It’s a terrible experience and I’m still recovering from it.

Fourth, and most importantly, I love Taylor. I love her more and more everyday. It’s odd to me because in all of my relationships I have thought that I am broken. But I’ve realized why. It’s because everyone always moves so fast, and feelings take time to build. I definitely don’t fall into anything quickly, but I’ve always pushed myself to and then when it fades, I feel numb. And then when I’m numb I wonder why my feelings have gone, but then they start to build, and it’s because I never gave them a chance to build in the first place. Anyway, I don’t mean to go into the sordid details, but I’m just realizing it and I never realized it before. With Taylor that isn’t happening. Things are just happening as they happen. There is no pressure, just true feelings that I have for her. She makes me so happy, and I know she loves me. I just wish she knew and believed how much I love her. If she could look into my eyes, she would see it, that’s for sure. Anyway, she’s so special.

Almost time to go home! I’m excited for sleep. And then I have to bake cookies for the staff meeting tonight and get gifts for everyone. This is not exciting! I think I’ll have to make a trip to the dollar store, and possibly Bath & Body Works.

Update

Well, it’s been a while, obviously. Not that anyone reads this hahaha. Maybe if someone did and actually commented, I would post more often. 

So I’ve been reading through my old lifejournal and it makes me miss blogging. I used to blog all the time! It was one of my favorite things to do and I always looked forward to it. I really wish that I had an easier time keeping a journal. I should, I should, I should! 

So basically I’m still in school, which is stressful. I totaled two cars, one my old red one and the other a new one that I had only had for a day. It was really depressing and traumatizing. I will never be the same driver again! I don’t know how I’m going to make things work, but I’m going to do my hardest. I’m alive and not seriously damaged, so that is something to be happy about. 

I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Taylor and she’s pretty much the most awesome thing in existence. She’s totally my favorite. She just lives in Texas and it’s really sad that she’s so far away because I just want to be close to her so bad. And even though in her standards we’re moving fast, it’s got to be the slowest I’ve ever moved in a relationship because I’ve always followed the actions of the person I’m with. I like that she prefers to move things slower and that she allows me to without pressure. It’s actually a good thing as well because it is helping me to be able to say things first instead of waiting for the other person to say things before I decide that it’s okay. I just love her and what we have and are building. I hope I can keep her forever.

What else is new? I’m now working 40 hours at work which i super awesome! I’m going to get the benefits of working full time, which include accruing vacation time faster AND getting holiday pay (I think). It’s pretty great.

Anyway, I just thought I’d update really fast! I better get to work! 

2011

Wow. This year has really been something so far. I am stuck in this icky little hole and have been since New Year’s Eve. I need to find a way out of it and fast! I’m hoping that things are beginning to get better. More hours have opened up at work and I’m going to jump on the opportunity. Unfortunately this means that my Friday night social life is going to completely dissipate, however I am in desperate need of a bigger paycheck so it’s something that must be done. This is a good thing and could not have come at a better time, except unless it had happened 2 months ago.

This year hasn’t been completely bad, even though I am having a hard time finding the positives. I know that they are there and I also know that I need to take more time give them thought. I am so wrapped up in this negative, stressful mindset that it’s all I can see. I am surrounded by wonderful friends who have stuck by me even when I’m at my worst. A family that I don’t give enough of my time to and have recently begun to realize are not invincible and everlasting. A job that may not pay well but is extremely rewarding and better than no income at all. Freedom to make decisions that may have not been thought out very well and have also caused a lot of stress and hardship, but have also been excellent life learning experiences that have and are helping me to grow as a person and adult.

With all of that in mind, I am going to try and work harder at being the person I WANT to be, not the person circumstances create for me to be.

Something

*We’re no longer together and I’m okay with that. I’m finding myself again and I’m actually MUCH happier. I’ve learned a lot

 

I need to see Jenny I don’t know why I’m so needy right now. And so sad… I don’t like some of the thoughts I’ve had. There’s so much in my head sometimes! I wish I could change how things are, really bad. Bleh.

thoughts

Lilac petals drift to the floor

And my world turns to dark.

I’m locked in this moment

Left with no control.

A swirl of thoughts hit me

And I don’t have time to brace myself

Before I’m falling.

Each thought pricks at me

Leaving a small cut

Each trickling their silent path;

I gasp for air as I hit the bed

And the world is light again

Anna English © 9/21/2010

Birthdays ‘n such

Well, another year has come and gone! Just like every year, this was an emotional birthday. I have no idea why! I used to love my birthday oh so much! It’s just been so shrouded in emotion for so long that I think I’m just used to it so I expect it and in turn I make myself emotional! What was really great is that my mom flew down here from Washington. That was so nice! it’s been such a long time since I got to really spend my birthday with my mom.

She arrived last Thursday and I hung out with her and my cousins and my Aunt Linda at her house for quite a long time. On Friday I went over to my aunts house fairly early and spent a good amount of time with them while also working on a bit of math homework, until later when my mom and my brother and I went over to Sheena’s house so that my mom could meet Sheena’s mom. That was enjoyable. A few of my other friends came over as well and we had a little mini birthday party with a bit of drinking.

On Saturday we had a BBQ at my Aunt Linda’s and Shelley, Dylan, Krystal, Kim Jones, Kayden, Amanda, Alexea, and Morgan all came to that and we had a lot of fun! Afterwards I went to a birthday party for myself at Sheena’s! Her and her mom bought me a cake and a ton of people came over and we drank and sang happy birthday and just had a good time! That’s when I started getting emotional though! I cried that night and I cried in the morning as well. Mostly because I was so tired and didn’t want to drive but I had to and I just wanted My Jenny oh so bad!

I went home early in the morning and slept for a few hours, after all the partying. Because I got home so late and was hoping to just crash at Sheena’s, I didn’t make it over to my Granny’s to vist because I didn’t want to drive back and forth all day, especially on no sleep and for such small amounts of time! So I used the day to clean my room and bathroom and stayed home and got ready until Jenny arrived around 6:30-ish and we went over to my Aunt Linda’s so I could introduce her to everyone! Which I was SO nervous about! I’m not even entirely sure why I was as nervous as I was! I think part of it was that my family is crazy, part of it is that I’ve never introduced a girlfriend to my family before, part of it was because I wanted to be alone with her, and part of it was because the potential for them to embarrass me haha. But it went well and everyone really liked her! YAY! They sang happy birthday to me and gave me cards and I got a couple gift cards. Jenny also gave me flowers and hershey’s hugs and kisses (num num). I pressed two of the flowers in to my flower journal . I’ve saved a sample every time she’s given me flowers! Tender! And I want to do that every time forever!

We had to leave my aunts just after 9 so that she could be there to get Braxton around 11, so we didn’t really spend much more than 2 hours with them. I ended up crying while we were standing outside her car… I tried so hard not to and I felt terrible for crying. I just don’t like her leaving; it’s so hard. I never know when I’ll see her again and it’s always so long… But at least I got to see her for a while and she got to meet everyone, that’s a good thing. Now she just needs to meet Shelley and the kids. Hopefully that can happen soon.

We talked a little bit last night about moving in together and she said she’s so down to move back to the Salt Lake valley, which I really want to do. I’m so tired of living in Utah County. There’s really nothing here for me. My whole life is based in Salt Lake County! It’s so hard on me to have to travel so much all the time, especially having everyone who means something to me up there (other than Jenny, Cat, Chris, & Braxton, of course). I’m really excited to move back up there!

Anyway, these last couple of days have been so crazy. I spent about 14 hours studying and doing homework on Monday for the time I missed over the weekend and then I couldn’t fall asleep until probably sometime around 8:30 am. I then had to wake up to be to class by 1 PM. I kept hitting the snooze button on my alarm and finally got up at 11:53 and scrambled to get ready. I made it to school by 12:40 but I didn’t get the spot I wanted in the classroom! Some other girl stole it because I got there later than usual! That cannot happen again!!! I was so irritated that I wanted to hit her and put gum in her hair! But then I came to the conclusion that that would be very socially and civilly inappropriate and would more than likely result in legal hassles, and decided against it.

I also had my first biology midterm exam yesterday. I don’t know how I did on it but we shall see. I felt like I knew a fair amount but there were quite a few that I had to guess on because I really didn’t know. I wish I could have had more time to study! It was just so hard with so much going on over the weekend. Hopefully things should be easier now that my birthday has passed. I also completely spaced that I had Computer Essentials homework that is due by midnight tonight so I came home after classes and did that. I very stupidly opened an exam for the course online as well, and had to finish it before reading the chapter! I did the best that I could seeing as I was going off little information, search engines, no sleep, and a time limit! I ended up getting an 86% So not too bad. I got a 92 on the other assignment, but that one I can redo again to get a better score, up to 3 more times.

And now I just need to get some sleep. I don’t know why I’m keeping myself up so late but at least I’m updating my blog. I definitely do not update it often enough. It just sounded like a good idea to do, tonight. I should probably end here and get some rest seeing as I have class tomorrow and a potential counseling appointment which I just may cancel.

Goodnight!

Oh so much overwhelmingness!

This past week and a little more has been terrible and not just for myself. I’m not going to go over all the sordid details, but I just wanted to see if I maybe express a little something about how I’m kinda feeling and what I think about things. We’ll see how it goes. This isn’t going to be short hah.

First of all, Jenny had to have surgery and we weren’t really on the best of terms because of our own personal feelings that we were I guess somewhat selfish about as well as not very understanding. And I was so confused. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and that was the most upsetting thing. I just wanted to do the right thing and whatever she truly wanted, but I didn’t know what that was. I also wanted to understand why she felt how she felt and I wanted her to understand why I felt the way that I did. I was also really upset because I was thinking too much about the situation and I felt like maybe I didn’t mean as much to her as I thought I did… or as much as she meant to me. That maybe I was taking our relationship much more seriously than she was…

Anyway, after her surgery she was very angry and on morphine and she pretty much freaked out on me and broke up with me… pretty much. It wasn’t officially official. So on top of my worry about her and not being able to see her and just EVERYTHING I was feeling about the whole situation and also not being able to sleep, I had the heart break of that as well as the hurt from her going through everything. We’ve talked and we’re good now… but I’m still kind of… I guess emotionally bruised? I didn’t understand how she could leave me after everything she told me about how she felt about me and how she wouldn’t leave me… so it really hurt me when I thought she was leaving and I cried almost nonstop for nearly 2 days. It was terrible. I’ve never cried that much over anyone… I didn’t even cry that much over the loss of my step brother and my great aunt (two most recent deaths). Maybe this is because I don’t have as many walls up as I used to… I’m sure this has something to do with it. But it also really scares me that she can hurt me like that. I’ve never let anyone have that kind of power over my emotions. And I don’t like that I’m so scared because it makes me want to close off, which I really don’t want to do and will fight. This is just so new to me… I’ve never had this with anyone. And I definitely don’t want to lose it… I don’t ever want to lose it… ever, ever, ever… and I’m still so upset about it, though I’m trying not to be. It just hurt so bad… thinking that I was losing her. I still keep (as I am now) getting tears in my eyes and almost crying (though not too often, maybe once or twice a day)… and I’m scared to tell her how I’m feeling. Partly because she’s in so much pain right now… and I feel selfish, however, I don’t want to always do that. I think that we both need to be able to express how we feel, regardless of how the other feels, while still being mindful of each other’s feelings of course.

I think that we need to be able to communicate and trust each other well enough to be okay with expressing how we feel. I just have this issue where I don’t think that my issues and emotions are as important as other peoples and I basically internally degrade my feelings. I know that this isn’t healthy and it’s not okay because my feelings are valid. If I feel them, there’s a reason that I feel them. I just hate causing upset. I hate ruining a good mood or a good conversation and I scare myself in to thinking that she’ll be mad at me or leave me. And what happens is I hold everything I’m feeling in and it builds and builds and builds and builds and I eventually get in to these moods and I’m so unhappy and I become emotionally overwhelmed and it leaks on to others… and I don’t like that. I just get so scared to bring things up or I talk myself out of it, saying it’s not important or it’s just my issue, but I can’t do that, because that’s not always the case. Feelings are provoked by stimuli which is perceived (recognized; understood; observed) by our conscious, unconscious, and subconscious mind. And I know that some of these feelings that I’m experience are because I think too much in to things or I get the wrong idea; that happens. And in this case, I try to analyze the situation by thinking about it when my mind clears of so much emotion, or by asking questions. (And I’m totally going in to way too much detail here) But anyway, point being, I need to be able to communicate my feelings. And Jenny needs to be able to communicate her feelings with me as well. I don’t think that either of us can fully trust the other with our feelings unless we both are willing to fully communicate them. And I understand that this takes time, especially because we’ve both been hurt and we’re still establishing a relationship and getting to know each other. So this isn’t going to just all of a sudden happen, and I’m okay with that. But we both have to be willing to move a bit outside of our comfort zone for us to be able to make any progress towards it…

Anyway… I feel like I’m rambling and going in to way too much detail >,< ugh. I analyze way too much. I’m such a Virgo sometimes.

ANYWAY (again) I really think that part of my emotional issue is my need for physical… I guess affirmation; affection. I probably don’t even get 1 hug a day and I struggle so much with that. I’m a very loving, affectionate person and I have a hard time when I don’t have that. And it’s especially hard because I want it to come from Jenny and I need more of it… but we never see each other. I struggle so, so, so, so, so much with this. But there’s really not much that I can do about it. I think about it way too much… I just have to try to remind myself of the proof that she loves me; but sometimes it just gets so hard and I find myself focusing on things and thinking things that really bring me down and sometimes I get so negative about it and I start shooting down all of the positive thinking with negative thoughts. And I don’t like it… and of course I don’t want to bring it up to her because I don’t want to stress her out or push her away or cause any upset… It’s just really way hard for me. Especially after everything that’s happened over the past week and thinking I was losing her. What I really need is to be able to see and feel her love… and to be able to GIVE her my love. That’s just as big of an issue… Just how everything is, I really don’t like it. And I’m trying my hardest to be optimistic and okay with everything. I try to tell myself that it won’t always be this way… I don’t know. I really hope that it isn’t… ugh.

Gosh, everything is so jumbled and overwhelming in my brain!!! I just want everything to be okay. I just want to love Jenny and be loved by her. I want to have a life with her, a home with her… a family with her. I want to be able to come home to her and have her come home to me. I want security, familiarity, I want her to be my best friend and I want to be her best friend. I just want to be with her…

And I’m tired, it’s late… so I’m going to stop here and post this before I freak out and decide not to. Night.

God…

I listen to a song, i cry. I get left alone in a room, I cry. I watch a movie, a show, I cry… I’m so confused and my heart hurts…   

Oh life. *sigh*

So I have a job now! Whittney referred me to her work, working with mentally disabled people, and I got the job! I’m so glad I did too. I haven’t actually started working in the group home yet but I’m excited to! I’m starting out working graveyards which I’m a little bit anxious about but it will be fine I’m sure. They’re working with my schedule really well so that’s nice. So far I’ve been to new employee orientation, CPR and First Aid certification, and got my food handlers permit. I have another training class this Friday and at some point I’ll be shadowing on a grave shift also. I was going to do it Thursday night but now I need to try to change that because I’ll be in training all day on Friday and I would hate to do that after working a 10 hour shift. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes!

Things have been okay lately for the most part. Over the past couple of days I’ve been a little more down than I had been but there’s a lot going on too. Jenny is sick and stressed and all kinds of not fun stuff and I miss her so damn much. I try not to think about it much because I get so so depressed and it hurts… I try to focus on the positive. It can’t be like this forever, right? And I’ve been through a long distance relationship. I guess what makes this harder is knowing that she’s within my reach. School and work (even though I’ve only just begun) is keeping me pretty busy. I know once I actually start working I’ll be a lot more busy and I’m excited about that. I have way too much time on my hands. I work a lot better when I have a full schedule. I know that I’ll cut back on the drinking and partying too which I really need and want to do anyway. I still need to have time for friends though because they’re such an important part of my life…

I’m also kinda stressed and worried about Metro… she’s been having such a hard time lately and I just found out that she tried to kill herself almost a week ago. The only thing that stopped her was the gun jamming. I mean, what are the chances of that? She said she wouldn’t do it again and she couldn’t believe she even tried. Especially because she has Zaidyn… she’s just going through so much lately and I wish I could help her. I don’t think she’ll do it again, but I still worry. She said that she learned her lesson because I guess when it jammed she kinda freaked out. She said it happened for a reason and it must not be her time. For her to do that in the first place… it makes me sad. I don’t know what she’s going through but I know that a lot of it has to do with Micaela, her ex and close friend, killing herself last year. She’s still sooooo torn up about it. It just eats away at her. There’s nothing anyone can do to make that better. There’s nothing anyone can say. I told her that maybe she should look in to grief counseling or a support group. I know that a support group has helped my sister in law in Washington deal with the loss of her husband, my step brother. Healing takes time, but it can happen. No, you’ll never be the same, yes you’ll always carry the loss. But it doesn’t have to tear you apart constantly and you can learn to cope and move on.

On an ending note, I think Tori Amos might be touring soon. I know she’s starting a European tour! SOOOO if she comes here, I HAVE TO SEE HER!!!! That is all.

Pride 2010

So another Pride festival has come and gone in Salt Lake City! This was my first year ever having a girlfriend by my side. I loved it. I was pretty easily irritated due to lack of sleep, but I still enjoyed myself. The weather was HOT and the crowd was crowding (haha) but I was with Jenny! I would have loved to be able to run in to more people and spend a much more relaxed, longer time there, but Jenny had to work and I was sooooo tired. I came home and pretty much slept all the afternoon away! I really should have come home earlier last night so I’m to blame. We’ll hopefully have another go at it in Seattle! I’m more excited for Seattle pride anyway!!!! BUT oh my I’m sure there will be THOUSANDS of people!!! Hopefully it won’t be so HOT though! Ooooh and I must say that cuddling in to Jenny while she held me on the drive home was amazing!!! Anyway, I just wanted to quickly update loves.