This past week and a little more has been terrible and not just for myself. I’m not going to go over all the sordid details, but I just wanted to see if I maybe express a little something about how I’m kinda feeling and what I think about things. We’ll see how it goes. This isn’t going to be short hah.
First of all, Jenny had to have surgery and we weren’t really on the best of terms because of our own personal feelings that we were I guess somewhat selfish about as well as not very understanding. And I was so confused. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and that was the most upsetting thing. I just wanted to do the right thing and whatever she truly wanted, but I didn’t know what that was. I also wanted to understand why she felt how she felt and I wanted her to understand why I felt the way that I did. I was also really upset because I was thinking too much about the situation and I felt like maybe I didn’t mean as much to her as I thought I did… or as much as she meant to me. That maybe I was taking our relationship much more seriously than she was…
Anyway, after her surgery she was very angry and on morphine and she pretty much freaked out on me and broke up with me… pretty much. It wasn’t officially official. So on top of my worry about her and not being able to see her and just EVERYTHING I was feeling about the whole situation and also not being able to sleep, I had the heart break of that as well as the hurt from her going through everything. We’ve talked and we’re good now… but I’m still kind of… I guess emotionally bruised? I didn’t understand how she could leave me after everything she told me about how she felt about me and how she wouldn’t leave me… so it really hurt me when I thought she was leaving and I cried almost nonstop for nearly 2 days. It was terrible. I’ve never cried that much over anyone… I didn’t even cry that much over the loss of my step brother and my great aunt (two most recent deaths). Maybe this is because I don’t have as many walls up as I used to… I’m sure this has something to do with it. But it also really scares me that she can hurt me like that. I’ve never let anyone have that kind of power over my emotions. And I don’t like that I’m so scared because it makes me want to close off, which I really don’t want to do and will fight. This is just so new to me… I’ve never had this with anyone. And I definitely don’t want to lose it… I don’t ever want to lose it… ever, ever, ever… and I’m still so upset about it, though I’m trying not to be. It just hurt so bad… thinking that I was losing her. I still keep (as I am now) getting tears in my eyes and almost crying (though not too often, maybe once or twice a day)… and I’m scared to tell her how I’m feeling. Partly because she’s in so much pain right now… and I feel selfish, however, I don’t want to always do that. I think that we both need to be able to express how we feel, regardless of how the other feels, while still being mindful of each other’s feelings of course.
I think that we need to be able to communicate and trust each other well enough to be okay with expressing how we feel. I just have this issue where I don’t think that my issues and emotions are as important as other peoples and I basically internally degrade my feelings. I know that this isn’t healthy and it’s not okay because my feelings are valid. If I feel them, there’s a reason that I feel them. I just hate causing upset. I hate ruining a good mood or a good conversation and I scare myself in to thinking that she’ll be mad at me or leave me. And what happens is I hold everything I’m feeling in and it builds and builds and builds and builds and I eventually get in to these moods and I’m so unhappy and I become emotionally overwhelmed and it leaks on to others… and I don’t like that. I just get so scared to bring things up or I talk myself out of it, saying it’s not important or it’s just my issue, but I can’t do that, because that’s not always the case. Feelings are provoked by stimuli which is perceived (recognized; understood; observed) by our conscious, unconscious, and subconscious mind. And I know that some of these feelings that I’m experience are because I think too much in to things or I get the wrong idea; that happens. And in this case, I try to analyze the situation by thinking about it when my mind clears of so much emotion, or by asking questions. (And I’m totally going in to way too much detail here) But anyway, point being, I need to be able to communicate my feelings. And Jenny needs to be able to communicate her feelings with me as well. I don’t think that either of us can fully trust the other with our feelings unless we both are willing to fully communicate them. And I understand that this takes time, especially because we’ve both been hurt and we’re still establishing a relationship and getting to know each other. So this isn’t going to just all of a sudden happen, and I’m okay with that. But we both have to be willing to move a bit outside of our comfort zone for us to be able to make any progress towards it…
Anyway… I feel like I’m rambling and going in to way too much detail >,< ugh. I analyze way too much. I’m such a Virgo sometimes.
ANYWAY (again) I really think that part of my emotional issue is my need for physical… I guess affirmation; affection. I probably don’t even get 1 hug a day and I struggle so much with that. I’m a very loving, affectionate person and I have a hard time when I don’t have that. And it’s especially hard because I want it to come from Jenny and I need more of it… but we never see each other. I struggle so, so, so, so, so much with this. But there’s really not much that I can do about it. I think about it way too much… I just have to try to remind myself of the proof that she loves me; but sometimes it just gets so hard and I find myself focusing on things and thinking things that really bring me down and sometimes I get so negative about it and I start shooting down all of the positive thinking with negative thoughts. And I don’t like it… and of course I don’t want to bring it up to her because I don’t want to stress her out or push her away or cause any upset… It’s just really way hard for me. Especially after everything that’s happened over the past week and thinking I was losing her. What I really need is to be able to see and feel her love… and to be able to GIVE her my love. That’s just as big of an issue… Just how everything is, I really don’t like it. And I’m trying my hardest to be optimistic and okay with everything. I try to tell myself that it won’t always be this way… I don’t know. I really hope that it isn’t… ugh.
Gosh, everything is so jumbled and overwhelming in my brain!!! I just want everything to be okay. I just want to love Jenny and be loved by her. I want to have a life with her, a home with her… a family with her. I want to be able to come home to her and have her come home to me. I want security, familiarity, I want her to be my best friend and I want to be her best friend. I just want to be with her…
And I’m tired, it’s late… so I’m going to stop here and post this before I freak out and decide not to. Night.
